If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
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*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
motivation
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.