“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
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I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.