I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
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Typos are what differentiates is from robots
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
When I said I liked it rough.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Me driving through Toronto
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.