Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
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“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)