Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
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#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?