Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
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*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
(2022)
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~