A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
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if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
british sex workers really pound for pound
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.