You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
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Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
This could be us… but you playing
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁