To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
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When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
So glad we cleared that up
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped