that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
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Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I’m about to risk it all
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
The news is so predictable nowadays
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division