them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
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Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”