“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
You Might Also Like
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
waiting for halloween be like:
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*