even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
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I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.