“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
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Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
That’s easy for you to say