me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
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If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Does this dress make me look cat?
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Is this you?
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.