My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
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Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.