Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
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Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now