hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
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The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
this is what they would have looked like, though
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?