Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
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the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*