watergate? u mean a dam??
You Might Also Like
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
58.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
There is wisdom there.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.