I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
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[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
“The Perfect Relationship”
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.