Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
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Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call