Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
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[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Florida be like…
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Ape together strong
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.