I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
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“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.