This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
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My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
goldfish mafia
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Ugh
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam