My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
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I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet