Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
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*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after