Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
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Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
“No way.” -Jose
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window