me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
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Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign