Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
You Might Also Like
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
An odd boast
Oh, I bet you would be
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life