The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
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A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.