Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
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Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
The game has officially changed 😎
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Bond. Trauma bond.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line