Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
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I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
opening a flower shop called women in stem
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I really had high hopes for this year though
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater