Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
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Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
May have had one breakfast too many
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.