*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
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Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.