[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
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Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
A little too much information.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.