Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
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If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude