wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
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If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them