I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
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I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
“no gods no masters” = leo
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
When your best mate counts as a desk too