A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
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Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Auto correct is my worst enema.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
get you a girl who
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.