[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
You Might Also Like
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down