This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
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I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.