You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
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The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
My therapist after every session
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now