Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
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Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?