JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
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my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Breaking news:
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.