You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
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Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Just a friendly reminder!
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor