At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
You Might Also Like
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.