The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
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when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.