[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
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There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I am HOWLING at this
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]