My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
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BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Employees must applaud the planets.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.